a coworker told me I talk too much, I’m still ruminating over a job I didn’t take, and more

This post was written by Alison Green and published on Ask a Manager .
It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…
1. A coworker I barely know told me I talk too much
My friend “Mark” and I work for the same large company. It’s large enough that we rarely encounter each other at work and don’t know many of each other’s colleagues. We recently had a company-wide conference that included a luncheon. After getting my food, I noticed Mark sitting with a couple of friends from his department and asked if I could sit with them. They all happily agreed and told me they weren’t saving seats for anyone. While we chatted, several other people from Mark’s department sat down in the remaining seats at the table. We said hello but returned to speaking with each other because the room was loud and the table too large to facilitate conversations between everyone. I thought everyone had a nice time and I enjoyed meeting Mark’s work friends.
A few weeks later I ran into Mark in the parking garage as we were leaving for the day. As we were standing outside our cars chatting, another woman approached to get into her car. Mark waved to her and then gestured at me, asking, “Have you met my friend Jane?” The woman, Maggie, frowned at me for a moment and then said, “Oh yes, you sat at our table at the luncheon. I spent the whole time thinking, ‘She talks a lot.'” She then got in her car and drove away without another word.
I was flabbergasted. The woman had been one of the people who joined the table after I sat down and had seemed content to engage the people sitting immediately beside her. I’m sure I said hello and smiled, but it would have been awkward to try to extend the conversation down to her end. She also didn’t attempt to speak to me or anyone on my end of the table.
I’m definitely a friendly, outgoing person, but I’ve never been accused before of monopolizing conversations or talking over others. Do you think I should reach out and apologize to her? It’s unlikely that we’ll ever need to work together but I hate the thought that I offended someone. Mark doesn’t think I did anything wrong, but he’s literally the most talkative person I’ve ever met, so I don’t know how much stock to put in his opinion.
Maggie sounds like an ass! Unless your behavior at lunch was truly outrageous — like constantly talking over people, cutting them off, and, I don’t know, name-calling anyone who tried to interject, her comment was bizarrely rude. Even if you did talk a bit too much, she wouldn’t be justified in trying to cut you down in such a nasty way later. That she was willing to say that makes her judgment completely unreliable, so I wouldn’t worry too much about her opinion … and you definitely don’t need to apologize. She should apologize to you, if anything.
If you’re concerned, though, you could ask people you trust to be honest with you whether they think you sometimes talk too much and should tone it down … and in upcoming social situations you could pay attention to how much you’re talking versus how much other people are talking (for example, if there are five people hanging out, are you talking significantly more than 20% of the time?). But this sounds much more likely to be a Maggie issue than a you issue.
2. I’m still ruminating over a job I didn’t take
Last year, I interviewed with a company for a position I was really excited about. It involved everything I wanted to do and to grow into, and was highly collaborative. They had me meet with the team I’d be working with day-to-day, and the experience was really positive.
When I got the offer, the recruiter told me I was their top pick from the beginning, and they were really excited about the prospect of joining their team. So was I! And when I negotiated the salary, they accepted it without hesitation. The recruiter told me that the hiring manager’s boss said, “We want her to be happy.”
And then … I turned it down.
I had been interviewing with multiple companies, and another company had swooped in and gave me an offer at the same time. This second company did not excite me like the first, and I had much less clarity on what I’d be doing. It was definitely not a thoughtful interview process like the first. But the health insurance at the second company was more comprehensive where I live, and it included the prospect of me and my spouse getting to stay covered with our therapists. My spouse has major depressive disorder, it affects both of our lives, and we would have lost their coverage.
The job I ended up taking was terrible. I knew in my gut before it started, and it turned out to be true. I hated every day. I ended up leaving after seven months. Thankfully now my spouse has a job where we can both be on their insurance.
It’s been more than a year now, and I can’t stop thinking about the job I turned down, and how I would have learned and grown with that team. (The company also had great benefits like unlimited PTO and several more paid hours a month if you wanted to volunteer in your community during the work day.) I am with a company now where I’m burned out. The work feels monotonous and not collaborative enough, and yet it is mired in urgency culture. I feel stuck. I feel broken. I feel like this has been one big stress cycle I have not been able to release. When I think about the job I turned down and its path, I know I’m only injuring myself further (I have to move forward), and that no job can soothe these systemic issues under capitalism. How do I stop mourning it?
I’m assuming you’ve checked to see if there are current openings with the company you turned down (if you haven’t, do that immediately!) but have you considered emailing the hiring manager there, saying that you’ve been regretting turning down the job ever since you did (and explaining it was for insurance reasons if you didn’t say that at the time), and asking to be kept in mind if she has openings in the future? That’s worth doing, and you should do it today . You never know might come from that.
But also keep in mind that just because the other job turned out to be the wrong one, it doesn’t automatically follow that this one would have been the “right” one; it almost certainly would have had things you didn’t like and it’s possible that you could have ended up less happy there than you’re imagining. You never really know until you’re on board , no matter how great something looks from the outside. But even if that job would have been a complete utopia, you made the best decision for yourself with the information you had available at the time .
Also: a company that seemed wonderful wanted to hire you, which means that other companies that seem wonderful are also likely to want to hire you in the future! I suspect this has started feeling like you turned down your one chance for professional happiness, but that is very, very unlikely to be the case. You just had two duds in a row. It happens, and it doesn’t doom you for all future jobs.
3. I was offered a job but I don’t have enough information
I interviewed with a small organization for their head of operations position several months back. The role would have essentially run the company to free up the founder to develop new products and services to eventually grow the organization. The process went well but stayed at a relatively high level. I wasn’t successful in getting the job but they said they wanted to stay in touch and asked salary requirements for positions at a manager or director level (the original job was a director level).
I saw the original role re-post for a third time on LinkedIn so I took a chance and reached out. They responded quickly and we had a conversation last week about a manager level position that would be in my wheelhouse. It felt theoretical so I didn’t expect to hear anything soon but now less than a week later they’ve offered me the job.
The problem is that I don’t feel like I have near enough information. We talked at such a high level that I don’t have a good sense of the details. The exact hours, amount of PTO, benefits, weekend work (they mentioned this early on but no details), etc. all matter a great deal. I also know my salary requirement is $30k more than the position previously paid and they’re prepared to meet it but I need to know how they approach compensation in general. Its a small org so I don’t know if they do annual raises and performance reviews or not. I’m worried asking all of these questions will make me seem unenthusiastic about the role, which isn’t true. I also have some bigger picture questions around the transition taking place, and what level of stability they have and how much rebuilding is going on.
Is there a gracious way to say I think I want the job but I need a lot of information? It probably also matters that this is a big shift for me. I’ve been in similar roles for the past 10 years. When I’ve changed workplaces, I had a really good idea what to expect because I’d done the job elsewhere before. This is a huge shift in terms of the industry and a different type of role and I want to be sure I’m comfortable with the expectations before taking the leap.
Absolutely! You can say, “Thank you so much for the offer. I’m extremely interested and think it could be a great fit. Since I have a lot of questions we didn’t have a chance to cover when we met, would it be possible to set up some time this week to talk more about the role?”
4. Should I have to use vacation time when my office closed early that day?
I was approved for two hours of vacation (end of the day from 2 – 4 pm) on Thursday. On Thursday, the boss proclaims the office is closing at 3 pm. Everyone there gets paid till 4. Can I only take one hour of vacation and they pay the other hour since the office closed early and everyone else got paid? (Everyone is salary.)
It’s up to your employer to decide; different employers handle this differently. Some will be happy to let you only charge one hour of vacation time that day. Others will still charge you two. With the latter, the argument is that you benefitted by being able to plan in advance to definitely have those two hours off, unlike the people who were at work that day.
5. Employee appreciation for a remote workforce
I’d love to hear from readers what new awards/employee appreciation efforts are underway now that many workers are remote and/or teleworking. Our office used to offer a prime parking space to the Employee of the Month, but that incentive is no longer enticing now that we aren’t in the office. I especially welcome ideas from government workers because we don’t have the same budgets as the private sector.
My go-to’s are money and extra time off, and as government you probably can’t do either of those. Readers, want to suggest ideas you’ve seen work well?
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