my boss is getting impatient with my morning sickness, coworkers expect me to be devastated I didn’t get a promotion, and more

This post was written by Alison Green and published on Ask a Manager .
It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…
1. My male boss is getting impatient with my morning sickness
I have been in good standing in my government analyst position for four years, and all of my performance evals are glowing. I recently became pregnant with my first child. Morning (all-day!) sickness has been very rough, and I’ve left work early once or twice per week for the past couple of months to deal with nausea and vomiting. I have plenty of sick leave built up, and my organization as a whole generally encourages using leave as needed. My male boss has known about my pregnancy since week 7 because I was getting so sick.
I’m now just entering my second trimester, and though I’m getting a tiny bit better, I am still struggling with the morning sickness pretty much every day. Despite all this, I have managed to keep up with all of my deadlines; however, my boss is getting really impatient with me being ill. He keeps making minimizing comments like:
“You’re having a pretty easy pregnancy—I know someone who had to be hospitalized multiple times for how sick she got! This is nothing.”
“You should be feeling fine now. You’re past the first trimester.”
“My wife was never sick with our six kids. She kept working full-time with no problems.”
“People might start thinking you’re slacking off.”
Do you have any advice how to manage this situation? I don’t know what to do. I’ve tried telling him everyone is different and I can’t control how my body reacts, and he keeps vaguely threatening that higher-ups may start questioning the amount of leave I am taking (2-8 hours per week) and if it is justified.
How generous of your boss to share his knowledge about pregnancy with you! Aside from the utter obliviousness it takes to do that, the contradictions are a mess too (pregnancy should always be a breeze to manage because his wife’s were, and also be grateful you’re not being hospitalized multiple times for how sick you are!).
Please talk to your HR and let them know what your boss is saying. They’re likely to be highly displeased that he’s hassling an employee over her pregnancy, as well as pressuring you not to use sick leave. They’ve got potential FMLA and pregnancy discrimination issues here.
2. My coworkers expect me to be devastated I didn’t get a promotion
Earlier this year, I was asked by leadership to apply for a promotion that would have me supervising many of my current coworkers. Another junior coworker, Mark, had applied, and they were hoping to have more than one internal candidate for the position. After several requests, I applied and put forth my best efforts in the interview process, which went exceptionally well.
Mark was hired. I was fine with this because he is someone I have supported throughout his career and feel will do a good job. Unfortunately, the reason given to me was that my coworkers expressed a clear preference for him, despite his more limited experience. I’m now trying to deal with the sting of knowing I was not preferred by colleagues with whom I seemingly have a great working relationship. I’m also frustrated by having so many coworkers come to me in ways that want me to manage their emotions about this process. Some are outraged on my behalf. Others are very upset and want me to console them. A few keep checking in on me to make sure I’m “okay,” with overly sympathetic expressions, as if someone has just died. I even have a couple of folks from the hiring committee approaching me in ways that seem as if they want me to absolve them from guilt over being part of the decision.
I’m fine with not getting the promotion, but I’m beyond frustrated with having to deal with all these coworkers. Frankly, I don’t even want to attend the meeting with my supervisor in which he will tell me the reasons why my coworkers preferred the other candidate because they will be personality issues and not performance issues, based on our compared work histories and the tenor of the email notifying me of his decision, a note that was explicit in stating I would do a great job in the position but that he preferred to lean heavily on the preferences of the employees on the team. Any advice on shutting down conversations with coworkers or avoiding the aftermath of a rejected promotion? I sent a very professional and complimentary note to my colleague who was given the position, and he has been nothing but gracious to me.
When coworkers approach you gingerly or with sympathy: “I’m fine with the outcome, and I’m excited for Mark.” And if they continue to give you sad faces after that: “Oh, stop! Mark’s great.” And then if necessary: “Do me the favor of believing me.”
You definitely need to attend the meeting with your manager for feedback about the decision! It’s possible there’s something legitimate that will be useful to hear … and personality differences aren’t always irrelevant, especially in a management role. For example, if you’re perceived as less approachable, less empathetic, or not as clear of a communicator, those would all be relevant, not just personality differences. On the other hand, if the reasons are BS ones, that would be good to know too.
3. Why don’t they trust me for a simple volunteer task?
I’ve run into an issue as a volunteer at a large charity resale shop where I’ve been volunteering for several months. The task I do is simple, think something like measuring picture frames (not picture frames). I tag the frame with the measurement, and then paid staff mark the prices based on the size. Jane and Julie work in this department, and usually it is Julie who tells me which boxes of frames to work on.
Several weeks ago, early in my volunteering, Jane asked me to measure and price some frames on a day Julie was not there. On my next day, Julie told me that only staff mark the prices, and that I measured something wrong. I felt that I was being reprimanded for something that Jane asked me to do. I decided I’d just let this go.
I started volunteering one day, then two. Last week I wanted to volunteer on another day when neither of those staff work, though others are there. They did not want me to measure frames during this time or do other work for them. This week I want to come in again on this other day. They are losing 3-4 hours of time I could contribute to their work and there are always more frames. I will do other work.
I was just going to let this go, but I’m finding that this really bothers me. They are making me feel unqualified to measure frames when they are not present. I’m an accomplished person who is very familiar with frames. Could this be a control thing? Are they worried I’ll take their job? I don’t want their jobs. I’m befuddled, and, I guess, hurt by this lack of trust.
You’re interpreting this as something personal about you (and their assessment of your skills and reliability) but it’s much more likely that it’s something about the organization. For example, while working with volunteers is part of Jane and Julie’s jobs, it’s possible that no one else is charged with it (or trained in how to oversee volunteers , or wouldn’t have the time/expertise/authority to answer the questions that might come up as you work or spot problems that they’d want caught early). That doesn’t mean they don’t think you’re capable of doing the work without close supervision, but it’s normal for questions/issues to come up as a volunteer works and it’s very reasonable for other staff not to have time to field those, while Jane and Julie do. It’s really common for organizations to be structured that way, and to only be equipped to have volunteers on certain days or during certain shifts.
4. Can I give myself credit without looking like an a-hole?
I work a new nonprofit with less than 30 employees. I am in the lowest tier of seniority, but I have been there the longest. My org has encouraged giving kudos as a practice, on calls and in Slack and emails.
I think it’s great that my team is trying to build a culture of gratitude. But I’ve noticed that the kudos is often from one senior or mid-ranking staff member to another, sometimes leaving out the contributions of junior staff such as myself. For instance, a member of the leadership team once gave gushing kudos to multiple people who participated in a recruitment process, and extolled one person in particular — who’s also on the leadership team — for having the idea to split the role into two. Even though I coordinated all the interviews and did the initial review of 100+ applications for that recruitment process, which I’m sure took much longer than my coworker’s lightbulb going off, I was not mentioned at all in the post.
Would I sound like a total asshole for chiming in to give myself credit in such instances? I’m sure that a comment like “I was so happy to contribute to X” would come across as passive-aggressive, but at an organization as small as ours, I think it’s preposterous to leave anybody out when giving kudos, and especially junior staff. I’ve chimed in to give credit to others when I’ve noticed people left out of kudos.
Yeah, I think it’s hard to pull off “I also contributed to X” in that context, but the pattern is something worth raising with your manager . It’s not terribly uncommon for public credit not to mention everyone who was involved in a project — sometimes that’s a long list, or there are differences in the relative value of each person’s contribution — but when you’re noticing a pattern like this, it’s definitely worth speaking up about it. And the fact that it’s always junior staff who are being left out — at the same time that your leadership is trying to encourage credit-giving as a org-wide practice — really sucks. Say something to your manager, or to someone else in a position to impact this!
5. Should I tell an employer I’m still interested in the (still open) job they rejected me for in October?
I applied for, interviewed for, and was ultimately rejected for a job back in October. The job has consistently continued to be relisted every two to four weeks ever since. At the six-month mark, would it be unprofessional to send a message letting them know I’m still open to a position if they’re interested in revisiting my application, or is that a gross overstep?
It’s not unprofessional or an overstep, but it probably won’t make a difference since they already interviewed you. If you had only applied and not been interviewed, I’d be more encouraging — but at this point they’ve taken a pretty close look at your candidacy and decided it’s not the match they’re looking for. There’s nothing wrong with giving it a shot anyway, but I’d expect the chances of it changing anything to be low.
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