interviewer asked about my religion, I get hassled for work favors when I’m off-duty, and more

This post was written by Alison Green and published on Ask a Manager .
It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…
1. Interviewer asked about my religion, then sent me a defensive email when I complained
I have been a nonprofit executive for many years. After the pandemic, I stepped back for a little while to focus on my family while we grieved some significant losses that occurred in 2020. Recently, I have been wanting to jump back into the nonprofit leadership world, but have opted for jobs with smaller organizations. I was recently a finalist for an executive director position at a very small organization that does wonderful work in the community. I had already been through five interviews and was having my last discussion with the committee. During this discussion, an integral member of the organization asked me to clarify whether I was a certain religion that many people often associate with my ethnicity. I was nervous and after saying, “I don’t think you’re allowed to ask me that,” I answered the question and told them my religion. Their follow-up was to inquire whether I was comfortable working with a certain other religious community that many folks (wrongly) assume would be an issue due to historic trauma between the two.
After the interview, I felt terrible. The questions seemed biased and made me feel othered by them in a way that didn’t sit well. I decided that it would be difficult for me to work for them so withdrew my candidacy. When the recruiter learned of this and what happened, she asked if she could share my reason with the committee. I gave her my permission, hoping that it would result in dialogue and growth for them around DEI.
What I got in return, however, was an email from the person who asked the question apologizing that I was offended but claiming that the question was never asked. There was a lot in there about how I misunderstood what they were saying, they would never ask such a question, and they may not know all the PC terms, but they meant well. I’m at a loss regarding how to respond. The nonprofit community is a small one and I purposely don’t make a lot of waves around identity issues because I know firsthand how it can prevent me from getting work. I do, however, feel like I need to say something.
Forward the response to the recruiter and ask that they share it with the rest of the hiring committee (who presumably will know full well that the question was asked, and should see what this person is sending out). You might point out that you’d given your permission to share your concerns in the hopes it would result in changes in their practices, but this response — which you hadn’t invited — only deepens the concerns you left the interview with. You might need to include something like, “Your dialogue on this needs to be an internal one so I’d like to leave my involvement here, but I hope seeing this will be useful to you.” (You could also send this to the hiring committee yourself, cc’ing the recruiter, if you want to make sure they definitely see it.)
2. People I meet socially hassle me for work-related favors when I’m off-duty
I’ve worked in media for over 30 years. I enjoy my job and most of my colleagues are great. The problem is that an unfortunate number of people I meet socially or through volunteering don’t realize that when I’m off the clock, I don’t want to hear complaints about my organization’s product or be asked to perform work-related duties, especially when the stuff they’re haranguing me about (free publicity, ticket giveaways, ads, etc.) is literally someone else’s job! Even if I politely say, “I can do that, but please reach out via my work address,” “here’s the work email of the person you need to contact,” “management decides what’s appropriate for air, not me,” or even “I will get in a lot of trouble if I do that as it’s against our policies,” some people seem to think they can wear me down if they send enough emails or PMs.
Back in the day, folks could only do this in person as we’ve always had very good work-life balance (no giving out colleagues’ contact info without their consent, for example) but these days, with everyone wanting to connect on social media and using personal emails for volunteer work, I get messages asking me to work for free on weekends, in the evenings, and even on holidays or vacations — and I’m a big pic-poster, so it’s pretty obvious when I’m out of the office. When I politely remind them that we have a website and social media at work, give them my work email, or try to direct them to the person who might be able to solve their issue, most get offended. Some double down and lecture me. I’ve had to block people over this, which is something I hate to do, but yeesh, we all need personal time. Some of my colleagues are frustrated by this sort of behavior as well, and surprise, surprise, men deal with it much less than women. Is there a better way to handle this?
This is super rude! It’s one thing for people to make the request initially (not realizing how many you get in your off hours) but pushing even after you set a clear boundary or redirect them to the right place is beyond obnoxious.
Given that the problem is so widespread, you might be better off not responding to these messages during non-work hours at all, not even to explain that you can’t help.
You also don’t need to respond to all of them even once you’re back at work. People you barely know writing to complain about your organization aren’t entitled to a response, and anyone who’s particularly demanding is asking for any response they do get to be slow-tracked (which might mean you write back a week later saying, “Sorry I didn’t reply in time, I don’t look at work stuff on my personal accounts at all”).
3. I don’t want my staff to use their cell phones at work
How do you handle personal phones in the workplace? Especially food service (coffee shop). It is something I could get written up for by the health department, phones are dirty, and I don’t want to pay them to chat with their boyfriend. But when I enforce it by having a shelf for their phones, there is pushback — “you can’t take away my personal property” and “what if it’s an emergency and I miss a text?”
If it’s a health code violation, then that’s the only reason you need: “It’s against health code regulations and the business can get in trouble.” The rest of the reasons are secondary and will just distract from the main point if you get into them.
But you should make the rule clear when you’re hiring people so no one is blindsided by it after they start — “because of health code regulations, we’re not permitted to have personal phones behind the counter. You’re welcome to keep one in your car or a locker in the break room, but they can’t be in the area where we serve customers” — and then enforce that like you would any other policy.
This isn’t about taking away anyone’s personal property; you’d be explaining a rule based on legal requirements, giving them an option that lets them have a phone accessible to check on breaks if they want to (that’s why something like lockers would be a good idea), and letting people decide if they want the job under those conditions or not.
4. Asking for a raise when we had recent cost-of-living adjustments
For the past two years, I’ve been working as a data analyst attached to a research project at a large government agency. I’m responsible for organizing and archiving all project data, maintaining multiple databases, and managing all of the project’s online presence, which includes multiple websites. The workload is intense — my boss has openly admitted that this is a job for several people, but they only had funding for one — but I’ve successfully kept up with it, and my performance reviews have been stellar.
In the past couple of months, I’ve had to deal with a major crisis that occurred through no fault of mine, and multiple coworkers, including my boss, have complimented me on how well I handled it. Overall, I feel like I’m in a good position to ask for a raise when my next performance review comes up in April. The only reason I’m hesitating is that last summer, the agency gave a cost of living raise to everyone on the staff, including me. Would it look bad to ask for another raise less than a year after I got one? I’ve never asked for a raise before, and am not sure how to proceed without looking entitled or greedy.
Nope. A cost-of-living raise is different than a merit raise. A cost-of-living raise is typically awarded to everyone and is meant to keep your salary on pace with inflation. What you’d be asking for is a merit raise because you’ve earned a higher salary through your work, and you can do that independently of last summer’s cost-of-living adjustment.
Also, let’s get rid of this idea that it’s ever entitled or greedy to ask for a raise when your work merits it. It’s not entitled or greedy to ask to be paid fairly for your work or to expect your compensation to reflect that you’re contributing at a higher level than when your salary was last set.
5. Is it too late for an informational interview once a job is posted?
I am job searching and came upon an internal posting that interests me and seems like a good match for my skills and experience. It’s a newly created role in a different department where I have some contacts at the same level as this role and who report to the same manager this job will. I reached out to one of them to get some additional insight and his perspective on whether I’d be considered a good candidate. He responded positively and suggested setting up an informational interview with the hiring manager (who is his boss) to get additional insight into her expectations. It’s a nice idea in theory, but I worry that it could take weeks to get time on her calendar and by then she’ll have already gotten plenty of other applications and maybe even started interviewing.
I’m inclined to just submit my application with a tailored cover letter … but I’d be forgoing the potential opportunity he has in mind for a “pre-chat” that could in itself help my application stand out. I’m anxious about making the wrong decision and not giving myself the best shot at getting an interview. If it matters, I have been in a few large meetings where I have presented in the past and she has been among the senior leadership attendees, so she would probably at least recognize my name when she sees it, but we’ve never spoken one on one. What do you advise?
Go ahead and apply now. You’re right that otherwise you risk missing the window to be included as she’s selecting people to interview.
However, you could also email to say that Joe Warbleworth suggested you contact her about an informational interview and then say, “Because the position is already open and you’re reviewing applications, I realize it might not make sense to talk outside of that process at this stage, so I’ve submitted my application meanwhile. Either way, I hope to hear from you.”
Because you’re an internal candidate and you’re being sort of referred by one of her direct reports, this wouldn’t be overstepping to do.
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