update: should I report my fatphobic boss or am I being too sensitive?

This post was written by Alison Green and published on Ask a Manager .
Remember the letter-writer wondering whether to report her fatphobic boss ? Here’s the update.
As a recap, I was really struggling with my grandboss, Miranda, and her lack of boundaries, particularly about my changing body after I had a medical issue and procedure that resulted in me losing about 100 pounds. I’m doing well now health-wise and seem to have stabilized; I have a pretty average body size, and the changes are no longer commented on, thankfully.
In terms of Miranda, I never had a conversation with her directly about her behavior at the event that I originally wrote to you about. I did have a couple of discussions with Andrea, however, and I assume she said something, because suddenly Miranda stopped about 80% of her comments and boundary violations. In fact, she stopped interacting with me beyond greetings and occasional superficial small-talk. It was kind of amazing, and allowed me to really focus on my work in a way I hadn’t been able to in a long time. My work improved so much during this time that Andrea really started providing development opportunities for leadership and future management. She and I work really well together and I really grew into my role during this time. Andrea was a great mentor for me, really taking the time to support and provide leadership opportunities.
I’m fairly confident that Andrea really went to bat for me mainly due to an incident in which Miranda was called in to help my team with an event and she very intentionally assigned herself to help other team members and left Andrea to be my support, saying something about how she “didn’t want to make me uncomfortable.” Sort of condescending, but I’ll take it if it keeps her out of my hair, you know?
But the happy ending doesn’t stop there. Shortly after I wrote to you, I did ramp up my job search and ended up getting a lot of interest from several organizations. Never before have I been in a position to turn down jobs or be truly pursued for a job, but this time around I was, largely due to some of the growth I was permitted to do when Miranda backed off this fall. I ended up in the final round for several positions and I’m happy to say I accepted a really great offer for a new position halfway across the country. I was honestly a little concerned none of the jobs would work out because by the time I started getting responses, my spouse was into their second trimester of pregnancy and I wasn’t sure a job would come through before my parental leave. In the end, my new employer and manager were so understanding. The hiring manager actually said, “We will work with whatever timeline works for you. You are the right person for this job and I’m not interested in finding someone else.” I was also pretty blown away by this manager’s respect of my personal boundaries; she asked before letting the rest of my new team know about the reasoning behind my delayed start, which would never have happened in my current workplace. So I’ll be starting that new job and moving with my family after my parental leave (baby’s arrival is imminent at this point). This new role includes a 40% salary increase, a title bump, a much more focused area of responsibility, and overall more admin support so I can focus on what I do well. It’s a huge win for me!
Which brings me to the last bit of this update. I wanted to address some of the commentary about Miranda. This whole year helped me learn a lot about the complexity of people. In my original letter, I can see that out of context it was really easy to say that she was just terrible and fatphobic and that I should run from her as far as possible. I really struggled in that letter and in the comments to communicate that I really don’t experience her as a bad person. She is really driven by trying to help and develop people, but I think she struggles often to understand that what works for her doesn’t work for others. When she understands or has experienced your struggle, though, she is 100% there for you. The best example of this is recently when my spouse was put on bedrest due to some pregnancy complications, she came to me unprompted to offer food and a hybrid working arrangement so that I could be at home as much as possible. When she found out about my job offer, she was so excited (the organization I’ll be working with is known as a top-tier place in our field) and immediately took steps to get me connected with resources she was aware of in that region. She’s also been really helpful in supporting me while I off-load projects to other team members. I know both she and Andrea will both give me really great references if ever I need them, and so while it might be easy or satisfying to just leave and never think of her ever again, it isn’t that simple. She’s really just one of those people who doesn’t have a lot of emotional intelligence. This year I’ve come to understand that when she gives us the third degree about something personal, it’s often coming from a place of care and interest. She’s just entirely unaware that it’s not coming off that way. I do still intend to flag some of her behaviors and micromanagement in my exit interview, but I don’t at all intend to burn any bridges with her. She’s very good at many of the things she does; she’s also a deeply flawed person and I’m glad I won’t be managed by her anymore.
Thanks again for answering my letter! Your advice truly was a huge help at a difficult time.
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