a new manager says it’s a problem that our employee cries in meetings, at her desk, and during team lunches

This post was written by Alison Green and published on Ask a Manager .
A reader writes:
I manage a team of eight. We have all been with this company for over 10 years and together in this department for about five. Recently our company merged with another and now my department is over twice the size. The new company hired a manager, Tim, to work with me who is completely new, not a part of either previous company.
One of my direct reports, Vanessa, is an issue between me and Tim. Vanessa is quirky. When I first started managing her, she cried a few times at any feedback. After a long conversation, she told me she is an empath and cries a lot, but just ignore it and she will be fine. This has proved to mostly be true. Vanessa cries in meetings, at her desk, and during team lunches, and we adapted.
In the first week Tim was on board, two incidents with Vanessa occurred. The first was Vanessa cried throughout a meeting explaining the merger. My team simply let her be, but it was clear Tim was distracted. A few days later, a bunch of us were in a conference room and a bird flew into the glass window, fell the the ground, and died. One of my team members stalled Vanessa in the hallway while another ran outside and moved the bird to the garbage with a shovel.
After the bird incident, Tim scheduled a meeting with me to discuss Vanessa. First he asked me if she had a specific diagnosis or any ADA accommodations, which she does not. Second, he told me that he thinks long-standing teams can be dysfunctional and not realize it because we are so used to working around it.
Then Tim told me Vanessa’s conduct is “below baseline professional.” Tim is concerned that Vanessa has come to expect emotional support at work beyond average and the 10 new people who join our department will not satisfy her, ending in disaster for all.
Tim thinks we need to have a meeting right away with Vanessa and lay out some things that she needs to change. What concerns me about this is how Tim wants to have this meeting, which is a “tough love” format and will definitely not get through to Vanessa. I suggested a much softer approach and Tim told me, “Can you see that you can’t talk to Vanessa like an adult?”
I think Vanessa is definitely an adult. I also think we should deal with personality conflicts when they come, if they come. I think there is a real benefit to accepting the misfits, the quirky, the sensitive among us.
Tim and I agreed to table it for now, but he told me that he is prepared to talk to Vanessa about professional conduct and will not hesitate to do so if the situation warrants it.
I want our new department to be successful and I want to work well with Tim. I also want Vanessa to keep being Vanessa. How do you suggest I go forward in this situation?
Well … I share Tim’s concerns.
He might be off-base about the most effective way to approach Vanessa about this; I’d say the focus shouldn’t be on “tough love” but on brainstorming practical solutions with her, like leaving the room if she needs to cry, a private work space if that’s feasible, a leave of absence if it’s needed, an EAP if you have one. But he’s right about the main point: Having someone regularly cry “in meetings, at her desk, and during team lunches” would be disruptive and upsetting for most people.
It’s possible that all your long-time team members are used to it and happy to work around it … but I wouldn’t be surprised if at least some of them are really uncomfortable but think they have no choice but to accept it. And either way, it’s highly likely that the new employees joining your team won’t be comfortable having a colleague regularly crying in shared spaces.
Crying is a sign of distress, and a lot of people find it difficult to ignore that! Your new employees might have trouble focusing on their work when Vanessa is crying or might feel deep discomfort not acknowledging she’s distraught, and are likely to find it really upsetting themselves.
Vanessa is explaining this by saying she’s an empath … but what about others who also feel empathy for those around them and are being asked to work around someone who is so frequently venting intense feelings of sadness? Vanessa isn’t the only one whose feelings matter, and it’s not reasonable — or frankly kind — to ask people to accommodate this in their work space so frequently. You’re prioritizing Vanessa’s mental health and emotional needs at the expense of everyone else’s.
To be clear, this isn’t an across-the-board condemnation of tears at work. We are human and humans have emotional reactions. Sometimes that can mean tears . What’s disruptive here is the frequency.
I applaud that you want to make space for “the misfits, the quirky, the sensitive among us.” Workplaces often don’t do that enough, and some of the expectations we have around “professionalism” aren’t really necessary (and some are nothing more than sexism, racism, and/or ableism). But some of what professionalism encompasses are the things that make it possible for groups of people to work together smoothly and productively and reasonably pleasantly, like not regularly subjecting others to disruptive or emotionally draining behavior.
I can’t tell if Tim is your peer or if he’s senior to you. If he’s senior to you, this may not be your call anyway — but if he’s not, I hope you’ll listen to the perspective he offered you. He nailed it when he said that teams that have worked together for a long time sometimes don’t recognize dysfunction because they’ve all grown so accustomed to navigating around it.
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