update: my mentor falsely accused someone of sexism on my behalf without my knowledge

This post was written by Alison Green and published on Ask a Manager .
Remember the letter-writer whose mentor accused someone of sexism on her behalf and without her knowledge ? Here’s the update. (Note: To follow the timeline, it helps to know the original letter was received in early February and not printed until March.)
I want to thank you again for responding to my question! By the time my letter was published, a few more things had happened that were eye-opening. First, literally the same day as the discussion with the CEO Melinda, a junior colleague who does not report to me but is on a committee I was about to start leading came to me very upset because another member had become angry and was yelling at her during a meeting. This all happened on Zoom and everyone had forgotten the session was being recorded, so I was able to go back and see what happened and I really did consider the behavior pretty egregious. I don’t know if I would say this was sexism although it did happen to be a man behaving inappropriately toward a woman. In any event, it was helpful to have had the conversation with Melinda so I could model my approach to a sticky situation on how she had very gracefully handled it, as well as drawing on lots of things I’ve learned from reading Ask a Manager. I provided info to the employee about how to make a report to HR, let her know I would support her in whatever way I could, and told her about our Employee Assistance Program if she needed additional support, which she did say she ended up taking advantage of. I also worked with HR to see how I could treat everyone in the situation fairly yet still make sure that no one was placed in an uncomfortable or inappropriate situation during work on the committee. For privacy reasons, I have no idea what the outcome was for the male employee, but he’s still around and participating in things normally, so it was helpful to me to see that reporting something to HR doesn’t amount to “I am going to destroy your career.” Knowing that their response will be measured and appropriate has helped me feel more comfortable should the need ever arise for me to report anything to them in the future.
A while later, I was looking back at my notes and remembered that a male colleague working with me on a project had said he was going to make an appointment for us to discuss with Melinda but he’d not done it yet. I figured I’d take the initiative and schedule it. Right after I’d put it on our calendars, Melinda called me and said she would like to offer some friendly advice. She said that she had been trying to get my male colleague to schedule that meeting for 4 months and he had never followed through, and that it was a frequent pattern in our male-dominated profession for the men to push “menial” tasks and other work on to the women. She described some occasions when it had happened to her and how she had pushed back on it. The conversation really opened my eyes to the fact that sexism and gender disparity doesn’t always look like blatantly open harrassment, but can be much more subtle yet still damaging to women and their careers. I’ve also come to see Melinda as someone who really has my back and wants to see me succeed, and she’s really a fantastic mentor (much moreso than Jane, my actual mentor).
Speaking of Jane — Alison and some of the commenters offered some helpful scripts for discussing the issue with her, but I decided not to say anything at all. Due to our schedules both being busy, about 6 weeks passed between the incident and the next time she and I met. I had a feeling she had probably forgotten about it by that time anyway and there was no sense in dredging it all up again. Our chats now are mainly her venting about issues she’s having and reminiscing about the good old days at our organization, which is not what I would typically expect from a mentor but is helpful in its own way. I don’t say much to her about what’s going on with me and am careful to not sound like I’m agreeing with anything she complains about. But at Melinda’s suggestion, I have started working with an executive coach, who is super helpful.
As for Bill — is he sexist? I don’t know. There was speculation that Melinda, Jane, and HR reacted the way they did because they had seen a larger pattern of behavior from Bill that I wasn’t aware of. I started paying more attention to how he responded to other men/women and I honestly don’t know. He’s certainly not overtly inappropriate, but as I said above, I’m realizing it can be more subtle. What I HAVE learned about Bill is that he is an extreme micromanager. In hindsight, it’s weird that he as a VP was even reviewing the project that I had messed up on, and the mistakes I had made were so minor and easily remedied that his annoyance seems disproportionate. I assumed I was getting this level of scrutiny because he didn’t trust me and thought I was an idiot, but I’ve seen now that he expects everything, and I mean EVERYTHING in the whole organization to get his personal review and sign off. Now that I’ve seen him react the same way with other people (men included), my attitude is that Bill is just gonna Bill. When I get criticism from him about something now, I just internally roll my eyes, fix whatever it is, and move on instead of taking it personally.
Finally, I want to thank Alison and the commenters for helping me change my perspective on how I was approaching this job more broadly. There was a general vibe of “it seems like you’re freaking out about this more than is warranted,” and I see why my letter got that reaction. I remember leaving the discussion with Melinda in shock at how close I’d come to inadvertently ruining Bill’s career and trashing my own reputation just by replying with an off-handed “huh maybe so” to Jane’s comments. What everyone pointed out and what I observed in my subsequent interactions with HR is that neither of those things would have happened even if I had made a real report of sexism. This was part of a more general pattern of nearly constant anxiety for the first few months of this job because I felt so unsure of what to do and out of my league. But I’ve learned to be more patient with myself now – I may have a PhD and years of experience in my scientific area, but I’ve never managed people before so of course I’m not going to know what I’m doing right away!
I’ve also started to think that I’ve been a bit naive about the extent to which my gender has influenced the ways people treat me in the workplace and their expectations about me. I tend to assume the best of people and maybe see the world through slightly rose-colored glasses, so when someone behaves toward me in a way that I don’t feel good about, I usually assume it’s my fault. As I said in my letter, it would never in a million years have occurred to me to label the way Bill behaved toward me as sexism. I don’t want to say this whole thing has made me cynical exactly, but it has certainly opened my eyes to the fact that I probably have experienced some sexism over the course of my career and I will be more aware of this going forward. Acknowledging that reality will also make me a better leader and model for my female colleagues and staff, which is something I strive to do.
The Bill and Jane episode was a bump in the road, but I feel like I’ve learned so much in the last few months and will continue to grow into this role. Thank you again to Alison and all who commented!
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