my coworkers keep asking about my assault

This post was written by Alison Green and published on Ask a Manager .
A reader writes:
I’m an executive assistant at an accounting firm, which means that this time of year I’m averaging between 60-70 hours a week. By nature of spending that much time with them, I’m much closer with my coworkers than I have been at any other workplace. I was recently assaulted after a horrible date went catastrophically wrong, leaving me with a very obvious bruise on my lip from being bitten, and fingerprints on one of my forearms. I’ve been wearing long sleeves to obscure the fingerprint bruising, but no amount of concealer has been enough to hide the teeth marks on my lip.
Under normal circumstances I would probably take a week off to try and recover physically and mentally, but with the tax deadline coming up there’s just way too much to do for that to be an option (and I can’t work from home). Taking the time off would mean adding at least 10-15 hours of work to every other admin’s plate, and doing that would only make me feel worse about the situation. Obviously I would prefer not to recount the details of a very traumatic incident over and over again, but every time I walk to the break room, copier, or bathroom I find myself cornered by another well meaning coworker who wants to interrogate me about what happened. A simple “I’m fine but would prefer not to discuss it” hasn’t been enough to deter the increasingly intrusive questions, even when firmly repeated. The general response when I push back on giving more information is something along the lines of “I need to make sure you’re safe,” “But we’re friends, why don’t you trust me enough to tell me?” or “You can’t come into the office looking like that and expect us not to ask questions.” We’re a small accounting firm so we don’t have an HR department, and the person who would probably handle an HR issue is the person trying the hardest to get more information out of me!
I understand the bruising is quite shocking, but I feel like I’m entitled to privacy during what has become a very difficult period of my life. Just convincing myself to show up to work at all is taking everything I have. At this point, what can I do?
I’m so sorry this happened, and that your coworkers are making it worse by demanding an explanation. It’s perfectly understandable that they’re alarmed and concerned, but they need to take your word for it that you’re okay and respect that it’s not up for discussion.
But before we go any further: if you would prefer to be able to take time off, please take time off! Yes, it will mean more work for other people, but that’s not a reason not to do it in a serious situation like this; if you had another sort of emergency like an accident or a hospitalization, they’d find a way to deal with that, and the same is true here too. You can take time off if you need to.
Otherwise, though, any chance you’re willing to talk to your boss and ask her to shut down the questions on your behalf? That might be the most effective option, partly because people will probably feel better knowing that your boss knows enough to be able assure them that you’re okay. Any decent manager — any decent person — would be horrified that you’re being hassled after a traumatic experience and would be willing to take steps to shut it down. You wouldn’t need to share specifics with her if you don’t want to; it should be enough to say something like, “I had a very frightening experience and it is extremely upsetting to have people demanding to know what happened, even after I tell them I’m okay and don’t want to talk about it. Could you run interference for me so I can focus on work and not have to fend off everyone’s questions?”
But if that avenue doesn’t feel like the right one, then I’d try this as an initial response when someone asks: “I know it looks alarming, but I am fine and it’s not something I want to talk about at work.”
If people push after that (and some of those responses you quoted are really pushy), you’ll likely need to get more emphatic in response:
Them: “I need to make sure you’re safe.”
You: “ I need to make sure I’m safe and I am. I understand you’re concerned, but please do me the courtesy of believing me because this is very intrusive.”
Them: “But we’re friends, why don’t you trust me enough to tell me?”
You: “I hope you trust me enough to respect my privacy. Please understand that I’m not going to discuss this at work.”
Them: “You can’t come into the office looking like that and expect us not to ask questions.”
You: “You’ve asked the questions and I’ve answered. I appreciate your concern but I’ve told you I’m fine, and I’m asking you to respect that.”
I know these are going to feel a little confrontational — but they’re being pretty confrontational on their end, and I’m concerned a milder response won’t shut it down. However, if it’s more your style, you could also try something like, “I know you mean well, but you’re the 50th person to ask me about it and I really need to focus on work right now. I’m fine, and the kindest thing you can do is to trust me about that.”
Or hell, lean into people’s desire to help and deputize them to fend off inquiries for you: “Actually, I could really use your help. People keep asking me intrusive questions about what happened, not realizing they’re the 50th person to do that, and I’d be so grateful if you can help shut that down.”
I hope you’re doing okay.
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