updates: my boss keeps leaving her kid with me, and more

This post was written by Alison Green and published on Ask a Manager .
Here are three updates from past letter-writers.
1. My boss keeps leaving her kid with me
I am the person who kept having to watch over their manager’s kid during my shift (from this post). I appreciate everyone’s input, and I wanted to thank you for your advice. When I said I was “in my 20s,” I meant very early 20s. I’d had only one job before this one, and it was arguably even more dysfunctional, so all the feedback really opened my eyes. Even with the limited information I gave, it was so obvious to others that I needed to quit, but doing so felt like a death sentence to me.
I want to say that I have never gotten any inkling that “Ripley” was in danger. I know some people were worried about that. I kept a close eye out for concerning comments/behavior, but there was nothing that alarmed me. I just think the kid was bright but woefully understimulated and didn’t know how to get the attention they needed. I did start taking a firmer approach to their behavior, though it didn’t change much. I also took a stab at your advice on broaching the subject with my manager. I was met with a serious hostility, and then she started cutting my hours. I don’t envy her position, and I understand why it was easiest for her to lash out at me, but I was still pretty angry.
I spent a few months applying for jobs and ended up getting a new job in a completely different field. The hours are terrible, the pay is terrible, and I really like it anyway. I think this is what I’m meant to be doing. I’m planning on going back to school so that I can progress in this field. I really feel like I have direction for the first time in my adult career!
Last I heard, my former boss abruptly quit and sent a cryptic apology before removing herself from the group chat. My 18-year-old former coworker took on her position.
2. I’ve been told I’m socializing too much with other teams
Today is my last day with my current agency. I work in government, and am switching to a different agency as of next week. I’ve had a new supervisor since late October, who is very sweet and tried to do what she could to help, but the fact is that my team is so dysfunctional that she and I both think my leaving is the best option for me, and she’s very happy for me. I’m working with her before I leave to try to write up what my job description really should be so she can work on that for hiring my replacement so the same problems don’t happen again, and I know she plans to have a serious talk with the rest of the team about how to treat team members moving forward and she does not intend to have the same problem again. I’ll still work with them a little bit as our agencies collaborate from time to time, but that’s totally fine with me!
I’ve worked with most of the people on my new team in some capacity and every single one has been very nice and given only good vibes. They all seem excited for me to come join! I’ve also only heard good things through the government rumor mill about this team, which is awesome. And I get my own office! For the first time!
I’m close friends with the people I was going to talk to, but I so rarely go down to their office anymore, even when I’m nearby collaborating with other teams. I’m only moving down the street from the building I’m in now, so we still plan to get lunch :) the problem was really my team and my stroooooong desire to stay far away from them (I share a small office with the worst offender).
I’ve already had my exit interview, which was extremely satisfying. The person who does it is the head of a team I’ve worked with a ton, so he knows me well and is sad to see me go, especially as he now got to hear all the details of why. He said I’ve been set up to fail here since day 1, and he’s very sorry that that had happened, and he wished he could have done more (he personally couldn’t have). I’ve come to realize that for most of my tenure here, I had a really terrible manager in addition to a bullying team. It was hard to see because my manager was so nice, but really, we had so many talks about what was happening and absolutely nothing was done. I never even got a job description after specifically asking for one, and telling him I was doing nothing pretty much all day. So I’m trying to make sure I keep an eye out for those signs moving forward as well!
3. Can I tell my boss I don’t want her job? (#4 at the link)
I appreciated your advice and the input from your readers. Going through the comments made me realize how frustrated I really was. I decided not to lay any of this out for my boss and instead made a general comment after returning from vacation that the break had been good timing since I’d been feeling burnt out lately. Imagine my surprise a few days later when in a department-wide meeting my boss made a joke about how burnt out I was!
This helped me realize that my boss was probably not the person that I should turn to with doubts about the company, my career, or my specific role. That combined with some of the feedback from your post made me take a long, hard look at what I really wanted to do next. I think I’d been assuming that my career trajectory had only one path to one type of success and I was kind of freaking out about why that wasn’t making me happy. I’ve since started a new, lower-level role at another company — no reports and focusing on my favorite part of my old job. The pay is less, but the annual salary is nothing to complain about and I now work 100% remotely.
I did realize that my boss had no idea how unhappy I was. I think I had mentally checked out long before I wrote my letter. I’m glad I didn’t get into this topic with my boss because I truly couldn’t have imagined myself staying. Now, I’m hoping that I’ve found a place I can stay for the long haul, and that I’ll be more comfortable advocating for myself in this environment.
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