updates: our boss is being a jerk about bereavement leave for miscarriages, and more

This post was written by Alison Green and published on Ask a Manager .
It’s a special “where are you now?” season at Ask a Manager and I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. Here are four updates from past letter-writers.
1. Our boss is being a jerk about bereavement leave for miscarriages
We had our directors’ meeting and it actually went way better than I thought! I was glad to hear that basically all of the directors were on the same page. As some back story, our executive director is very old school thinking in terms of workplace policies and such. She’ll ask for feedback from us but if we say anything that she doesn’t agree with or are at all critical of a policy she created, she takes it as a personal attack and does a very bad job of hiding that she doesn’t value your opinion anymore. I’m technically a “young” director and won’t shy away from expressing workplace concerns so she and I haven’t really ever gotten along in that regard.
So, in the actual meeting I was hesitant to express my concerns out of fear that she would brush them off solely because it was me saying it, but luckily one of the other directors spoke up and our ED listened (although, somewhat reluctantly). This director is very distinguished and a little older, so our ED always listens to what she has to say. The ED still felt the need to make comments about our PTO and how providing additional bereavement costs money for the organization, but no one said anything else cause we were just so happy we were getting bereavement leave for miscarriages!
I wanted to thank everyone for their comments! I read them all. Also, you mentioned in your response that this is just a small indicator of bigger problems within the company, and you are completely right. I’ve learned to just keep my head down and to not really speak up anymore out of fear of being ostracized. I’m currently looking for a new job and can hopefully leave soon.
2. I got rid of my office’s furniture by mistake
Thank you for answering my question! I finally met with my boss and admitted my mistake. I wish I had done it as soon as I saw your answer because I stressed about it all weekend, but it turns out it wasn’t nearly as big a mistake as I thought!
He said he wanted new furniture for that room anyway, reminded me that the old table was too small and the chairs were all at least partially damaged or just kind of crappy, and set me on the task of finding new furniture and tech for that room. He wasn’t upset at all.
I’m so relieved right now and grateful that you gave me the courage and motivation to own up. I’ll definitely do so much sooner in the future should I make another mistake.
3. How do I recover after an employee took advantage of my trust?
Less than a week after I wrote the letter, “Jane” told one of my team members that she lied to the rest of us about her reason for leaving (getting into a prestigious graduate program) because she wanted to save face. When she resigned, she showed us images from a celebration party for her acceptance and branded merch from that school, so this came as quite a shock but made it easier for me to laugh about the situation and move on.
In reflecting on what I could have done differently, I probably gave this person a few too many chances before addressing their performance issues. But otherwise, I liked the level of autonomy and oversight I was giving the rest of my team and wanted to continue to do so, even if it could give someone with bad intentions a way to cheat the system. I decided I needed to focus on hiring the right people that were less likely to do that. And I did, hiring an excellent replacement the following month.
Looking back, I can see so clearly how much I was struggling at the time I wrote this letter. I felt like my hard work in challenging circumstances didn’t matter and this incident was dishartening. Really, I was doing so many things well but I couldn’t see that in the midst of the frustration I felt at that time. I’m working on taking things less personally at work and accepting that no matter how hard I try there are just some things out of my control. It’s a tough mindset shift — I still struggle with it today — but I think it’s the only way to deal with the pressure of being a manager and not lose your mind!
4. Shutting down side chats on potentially sensitive topics (#3 at the link)
Your advice was great! I was able to curtail a conversation about scorpions (some of the folks live in Arizona) without killing the vibe. The team has continued to have its side banter, and some of the quieter team members have also started to join in. All in all, I couldn’t be happier with the outcome!
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