why am I anxious at work when I’m doing so well, requiring internal profile photos, and more

This post was written by Alison Green and published on Ask a Manager .
It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…
1. Why I am irrationally anxious at work when I’m doing so well?
I feel as though this question is more appropriate coming from a 20something, but I’m well into my 40s.
I work for a very large organization, and I am the only person with my job. I have been here for almost a decade, and it really suits my natural aptitudes, background, and interests, and I have a lot of enthusiasm for the job. I feel as though I am well respected in the org, have won several awards, and am given a lot of autonomy. I am accepted as the organizational subject matter in my role, and have gained a lot of expertise in my time here. I’ve also been given a number of really cool, interesting things to work on over the years. It’s great, and I know it is an enviable position to be in.
Then why am I often so anxious at my job?! I get a panicked feeling every time one of the higher-ups calls or emails me, and it is generally for something totally innocuous. I feel an incredible and painful sense of urgency to respond immediately. (I know it is politically savvy to be prompt with senior management — I would just like to do it without the frantic feeling of anxiety.) If I make a small mistake, which is uncommon but can happen as I am a human, I become disproportionately upset with myself. I suspect that my colleagues and boss would be shocked to hear this about me, as I probably come across as confident and knowledgeable, and I have good interpersonal skills (which means at times that I am skilled at hiding big emotions at work). I have been described as “diplomatically assertive” and am not afraid to speak up or contribute — but I always feel secretly anxious.
I feel like this is ridiculous at this stage in my career, and I have been given no reason in my current role to feel this way. That said, in my earliest days, I worked in three toxic workplaces where issues ranges from incredible leadership incompetence to bullying (not of me, but others) and general chaos. I feel like this really had an impact on how comfortable I feel at work, even though I know these reactions are irrational. Any insight?
There’s a decent chance it’s what you wrote in your last paragraph — habits and ways of thinking at dysfunctional organizations can stay with you for a long time unless you actively work to counter them (and even then it can be hard). Those early professional experiences can wire your brain to expect the worst. There’s some advice here on how to recalibrate your reactions .
But there’s a second possibility too, which is that it could be rooted in family-of-origin stuff (as a lot of our issues as adults are). Any chance you grew up in a family where doing something wrong was a big, scary thing because the response would be disproportionately harsh? Or where approval was dependent on you being perfect? Or where it was so rare for problems and disagreements to be discussed openly that you never learned to be comfortable with even mild conflict, which means that when it happens now it feels bigger and more consequential to you than it seems to feel to others?
Very often, when you’re mystified about why you’re having reactions that don’t really feel warranted by your current situation, it’s helpful to ask if you ever were in a situation where that reaction did make sense … and then you can often trace it from there. If that resonates with you, therapy is the most straightforward way of tackling it!
2. Is it OK to require internal profile photos?
I’m a new manager of, let’s say, the Teapot Nerds department, whose main function is to support the company’s Teapot Evangelist and Teapot Sales teams. I was a Teapot Nerd myself at this company for 10 years before receiving this promotion. Historically, despite fulfilling a critical function, our team has not had the best reputation or goodwill among colleagues, with Evangelist and Sales folks often speaking dismissively about — and worse, in some cases to — members of our team.
Part of my strategy as department manager is to work to change the perception of our team to reflect our role as critical partners, which should give us more scope to expand our contribution. I have a few ideas about how to achieve this, and one small step in that direction would be for all of our team members to upload a profile photo to our internal email/messaging systems. Currently, most Teapot Nerds have the default grey circles as avatars, whereas the business norm is to have a headshot. Most employees work from home, so most interaction takes place via these platforms, and I think the literal facelessness of our team members isn’t helping the above issues.
Teapot Nerds tend toward introversion, in strong contrast to most other colleagues in this industry, though they do need to interact regularly with other teams, and most have solid interpersonal skills. They’re just shy about putting their faces out there. Is uploading an actual face pic a reasonable thing to strongly encourage or even require of a bunch of introverts? I’ve already raised it as a suggestion, but nobody’s acted on it yet.
I see where you’re going with this — it’s harder to be rude to someone when you see their face right in front of you rather than seeing a faceless grey circle (I think there’s even research backing this up) — and I don’t think it’s unreasonable to try it and see if it helps. That said, you’ve also got to be sensitive to the reasons someone might prefer not to — for example, many women have found they’re subject to a lot more harassment and condescension when they have their photos up. So I don’t love the idea of just issuing an edict for photos without at least first having a real discussion with your team about it, where they can hear your thinking and you can hear their concerns if they want to share them.
But also, it sounds like there are bigger issues that won’t be addressed by adding photos: Why has the team historically not had a strong reputation or good will from colleagues? It’s tough to give advice without knowing the story there, but I suspect to really make headway you’ll need to dig in on those issues and then find ways to visibly counter them … and photos are likely to be pretty minor compared to that.
3. Hiring team never responded after I turned down their offer
I recently interviewed and received an offer for an amazing job I really wanted. I found out I was pregnant the week of the first interview, and it was four months of interviewing before I received my offer. I waited for the verbal offer and disclosed to HR that I was pregnant and my acceptance would need to be conditional on what leave benefits they would offer. I told them I currently have eight weeks paid and four weeks unpaid and I did not want to lose that. Their company policy was to allow just that … but only if I made it there three full months before the baby is born. I said that was too risky for me, because babies come when they do. I asked if there was anyway they would give me a sign-on bonus or other compensation that would guarantee I was financially whole if the baby came early. I offered to wait for the additional compensation, or receive it over months, and I also offered to relinquish any other paid leave, including parental leave which I would have been entitled to after six months (basically it was set up that I could take additional paid leave for a full year after the baby came, but not until I had been there for six months).
They said no, and so I said while I appreciated the opportunity I could not accept. I sent the hiring team emails letting them know I was disappointed the timing didn’t work but I hoped we could stay in touch. No one ever responded to me. I added them on LinkedIn and nobody accepted my request. What gives? Are they mad at me? I have declined other offers and maintained positive relationships. This is a billion dollar company so for them to guarantee me eight weeks paid leave is basically nothing, while for me losing the pay would be catastrophic. It seemed like a no hard feelings situation to me. Did I read it wrong?
I think you’re reading more into their lack of response than is really there. You declined the offer, so they moved on. Yes, ideally they would have replied to close the loop (and so you could be sure they received your response), but it’s not unheard of for the email turning down the offer to be the last in an exchange like this because they figure that’s the final word in the discussion. It’s of course more gracious for them to send back a “thanks for letting us know / best of luck to you / hope to cross paths again” email, but the fact they didn’t doesn’t indicate anything other than that they assumed the exchange was done. I would not worry!
4. My coworker’s new haircut makes him look like Lord Farquad
One of my coworkers, who is a good friend of mine and also a well-known figure in our community, just got a new haircut. Usually he wears his hair up in a ponytail but lately he has been keeping it down. The length and style are exactly the right combination to make him look like Lord Farquad .
It’s starting to affect his reputation since this is all I can think of whenever I look at him. What should I do? Is there a way to get past this so we can continue to have a strong work relationship? Do I need to have a discreet conversation with him?
For further context, he is fortunately quite tall, but he does have a position of significant influence, similarly to the original Lord Farquad.
There is nothing that can be done, but know that at some point he will be eaten by a dragon.
5. Can servers be forced to “volunteer” at a private event?
My adult daughter works as a server at an upscale restaurant in our small city. The front-of-house staff has been asked to “volunteer” to work at a private event (non-charity) hosted by the restaurant owners. Management has stated that participation isn’t mandatory, but if you’re normally scheduled to work that night, the expectation is that you will spend that time working this event.
Compensation has been promised (in the form of cash payment or tips), but they won’t be allowed to clock in. No one has mentioned any repercussions for not attending, but as management controls scheduling, the reality is that refusing could result in a loss of hours or even termination. Is this legal in New York?
It depends on what the compensation ends up being. It’s fine that they’re not clocking in, but they do need to be paid for their time working there. Employees cannot be ordered or allowed to work for free, and that doesn’t change just because their employer wants them to work at a private event that night rather than in their normal duties.
So this really comes down to what the employer means by “volunteer.” Do they mean “we need people to volunteer to be at this event, at which you will be compensated as normal”? Or do they mean “you will be volunteering your time without legally required compensation”? The first is legal but the second is not.
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